The Union Budget was announced  on 28 February , and like all budgets, it raises many questions, like “What about taxes?” and “Will inflation go up?” and “Where can I get the drugs that make Salman Khan  look so blissed out?”

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Usually, budget analysis is a mix of jargon, confusion and a sense of wonder about the sheer size of Barkha Dutt’s head . But I’d like to cut through the hype to demystify things for you, so let’s begin:

 

Who presents the Budget?

 

 

The Union Budget is usually presented by the Finance Minister at a high-profile event in the last week of February. This year, the honours were done by Seth MacFarlane, creator of the popular animated series, Family Guy. He wasn’t great, but he wasn’t as bad as previous hosts like James Franco and Pranab Mukherjee.

 

 

Why does the Finance Minister pose with a suitcase before the budget?

 

 

Because Prem Chopra has kidnapped his daughter, and he has to stop off in 1974 to pay the ransom before going to the Parliament to read the budget off his iPad.  

 

 

What is the purpose of the Budget? 

 

The budget serves an extremely important purpose; it gives newspapers the chance to show their ‘creativity’ in assorted front-page spreads which feature P Chidambaram in a series of garish, ugly caricatures including the Gangnam Style, James Bond, and P Chidambaram.

 

 

What does the P in P Chidambaram stand for?

 

Palaniappan, which is Tamil for “Looks suspiciously like Stewie Griffin”

People tell me that this was an ‘Election Budget’. What is that? An ‘Election Budget’ is the money a man  with errection  problem  puts aside for Viagra.

 

 

Dude. Seriously? Sorry. An ‘Election budget’ refers to the budget presented in the year just before elections. It’s a softer, please-all, rock-no-boats sort of budget, with an eye to not annoying voters before the 2014 General Elections.

 

 

Wait, we have elections next year? What are my choices?Yes, we do. And in all probability, you’re going to have to choose between Narendra Modi and Rahul Gandhi.

 

 

My choices are poop and vomit? Who should I choose?

 

Euthanasia

 

How will this budget affect my life at home?

 

If you want a new set-top box, it just got more expensive. If you want new marble floor-tiles, they just got more expensive. If you want a new cellphone, it just got more expensive. And if you want a new imported SUV, you’ve clearly never heard of global warming.

 

 

Did the budget have a massive impact on the stock market?

 

 

Yes. The stock market was less than impressed with the budget, and the Sensex, which is the key indicator of Gujarati blood pressure, dropped 291 points.

 

 

Wow, 291 points? Why? Partly because the budget was bearish about growth in India and partly because the FM announced a 10 per cent surcharge on individuals who have a declared income of over Rs 1 crore. Companies that earn over Rs 10 crore will also have to pay a 10 per cent surcharge.

 

What’s a “surcharge”?

 

 

A charge that was knighted for its service to queen and country, of course. Don’t be an idiot. Wait. According to the Finance Ministers’ speech, only 42,000 people in India claimed to have a declared income of more than Rs 1 crore. Wouldn’t adding a tax surcharge to that make even less people willing to declare their income? So isn’t that counter-productive and daft? 

 

 

Do you want me to set Kapil Sibal on you?

 

I mean, WOW, WHAT A MIRACLE IDEA! P CHIDDY IS BEST! That’s what I thought.

 

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Kamlesh Bahukhandi

I hate dogs. I' love to be alone sometimes. I like to read, write, travel and dance a lot. My nails are bad; I have degrees in Business Management (MBA) and Mass Communication. I don’t want to be any one else. I love being myself. I make good tea; I like eggs, tea and milk. I love colors, they decide my mood. I love music; it can change the way I am feeling. I like sweets. I like food; I am a self-confessed tea addict. I hate being too formal. I talk less. I could do the washing though I have a very successful career. I like vanilla ice cream. I'm right handed. I always felt bad for lost in love. I am allergic to dust, cats, pollen, soap, powder and strong perfumes. I like to drive fast. I cry at sad movies. When I was a kid, the only thing I could draw was a half face. I don’t believe on horoscopes for the moment, and astrology. I grew up in a small village, I am a village boy. I wet my toothbrush before putting the toothpaste on. I like tea very much (did I say that already). I was popular in College. My favorite place is Italy, for now. I am not able to understand why people watch Star Trek. I type with all fingers. I have lost many good friends as I hate being over concerned. I am 5.9” tall. Yes I forgot to mention I love birds. I speak four languages poorly and one language well. I look luscious when I want to. I am a brilliant speller but a decent writer.

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