“Love without expectations”
So, that is your mantra to stay happy in love? Well, It is a good one and extremely practical too, but in case of love, is that enough?
Well, I feel NO. Let me share this small example:
Raima and Saksham were extremely close friends, rather, a ‘little more than friends and a lot less than lovers’. They both knew this well. After a year and a half of this bonding, Raima fell for Saksham, but as Saksham always advised her-“never have expectations from anyone in life”, she never expected a bit from him. She always knew that Saksham never felt the way she did; she knew that she was IN LOVE with Saksham and he LOVED her as a friend, so she kept reminding herself not to expect a thing from him. Six months later, a day came, when Saksham wanted to move on and wanted Raima to be his very good friend, but not the ‘more than friends-lot less than lovers’ friend. Raima always knew someday this would happen, she didn’t say a word when Saksham, very sensitively, announced this to her, but the next day, she found it hard to cope with this change. Unable to understand her own feelings and caught between the feelings of pain, irritation and restlessness, she ended up giving him an option to either not be in contact with her at all or not to change their bond for some more time.
Saksham had been her best friend for two years. Both of them respected each other immensely and truly valued their friendship. Saksham tried to reason with Raima, but she seemed to be a little too firm on her choice. Later, to make Raima comfortable, reluctantly, Saksham agreed not to be in contact with her, and that was when she realized her loss. They both then spoke after 2 weeks, although Saksham assured her that he would always be there for her and with her as a friend, Raima could sense a discomfort in him. After all, in past few days, she did hurt and irritate him. Although each time, she hated herself for doing so, but her pain was too unbearable to stay calm. That night too, Raima called up to sort out things. She had a wish, which was nothing when compared to the friendship she shared with Saksham, but she ended up making her wish seem her priority. She didn’t even realize that she did that. She kept wondering how the hell had she given Saksham an option of not talking to her. And all of a sudden, that night, maybe in his irritation, Saksham gave her the answer:
“You are emotionally ATTACHED to me, I know”
“No Saksham, its nothing like that”
“Shut up yaar, its clearly visible.”
“ATTACHMENT”, that is the word, or rather, DETACHMENT is the word.
Love, BUT LOVE WITHOUT EXPECTATIONS AND WITHOUT ATTACHMENT, for that is the true meaning of love. Realize it, accept it, act accordingly and love.
Back to Raima, she analyzed Saksham’s words and realized that he was partly correct! Partly because, yes, she was attached to him, but the reason for her irritating him, hurting him, giving him that absurd choice was not that she was attached to him. It was the fact that, she was attached to him BUT HAD NOT realized this. Hence, confusions took over her mind and she behaved so immaturely, a lot more immaturely than expected from her.
There is a Raima in many of us. We love, we love without expecting, but we forget to love without attachment. We love keeping in mind that we may or may not spend our life with this person, but we forget keeping in mind that we may or may not have the same bond with them at some point in time. We fail to remind ourselves that in life, with time, priorities do change and we have to accept that. Life moves on, we have to move with it as well. Someone, for whom you are a priority today, you may not be the priority tomorrow; and that is completely alright. Time changes ONLY the priorities, not the value of the bond, of the friendship. That value remains intact and we should respect it instead of being as stupid as Raima and giving the other person absurd and baseless choices!!!
But that doesn’t mean do not love, or be selfish in love or use your mind in love. NO, not at all! I have always been of the opinion that love is meant to be felt only by the heart and in its purest form; there is no space for mind in love. The purest form of love is being selfless. It is when the happiness of other person becomes your priority. When without even thinking twice, you are ready to do anything for the happiness of your love, even if it sucks for you. But, the first step to this is being detached and not expecting a thing in return! This is the only way to love. The only way to feel love and enjoy every aspect of it.
Yes, to love this way, you have to keep your heart on your sleeves, but if its love, it is every bit worth it! Nothing great, nothing worthwhile is ever achieved without struggle. Same applies to relationships. Not only romantic relationships, but any relationship, any friendship or any bond that is beyond formality will surely go through testing times. It is important that we do not give up on these bonds during such tough hours. Although these times pull two people apart, but if the bond/the friendship was a REAL one, it gets through and the bond/friendship stands stronger than before. This holds true for lovers as well as friends. After all, the nature of life is duality. When there is understanding, at some point, there will be misunderstandings. Where there is love, there will be fights. Where there is trust, there will be betrayal. Where there are expectations, there will be disappointments. That is the natural dual nature of life. Every bond/relationship/friendship goes through crap, the ones that are real and worth it, come out of it, with flying colours.
Yes, under these situations you would be in pain, but that is what your test is. And not to forget, pain too is an aspect of love. If you are unable to stand any longer, take a fall, but do not keep lying there. Get up and stand back, stronger than before! I have seen many people finding themselves in the arms of someone else just to fade away the memories of their love. I am sorry, but according to me, that isn’t maturity, that’s cowardice. That is not only wrong to the person in whose arms you try to find solace, but by doing this; you also end up INSULTING your love. If we have the courage to fall in love, we must also have the courage to face its consequences. Running from situations, running from consequences, trying to dilute your pain in random carnal satisfactions, all this is just RUNNING AWAY, an insult to your love. We need to get up and face things the way they are. If you do not have the heart to walk in the face of fear, the LOVE IS NOT FOR YOU.
When we are in love, we live with an added responsibility, a responsibility of making our love our driving force, the reason for our existence, of our happiness. To truly value, honour and respect love, we have to make our feelings-our love, our motivation. Making love the reason for our destruction is the sheer disrespect of this strong and powerful emotion. It is only after we rise in love that we can truly say that we have fallen in love!
And please, do not be shaken with every small problem. Also, do not make marriage your goal. Love is a much wider concept. Marriage or a union is not the only summit of love. In fact, the summit of love can never be predicted, it can be anything. The emotion of love is so powerful that it can manifest itself in to various forms, under various situations, and believe me people, the summit of love is not always a union, but if your love is pure, the summit, either a union or not, will surely be beautiful. It is just that you need to be detached, free from expectations and strong, because love is not for the faint-hearted.
And here, I would like to close this write-up by quoting my favorite lines on love from the flick jab tak hai jaan:
“Love that breaks you, but still keeps you together
Love that creates distances, but still brings you closer
Love that is true, and forever…
and i learnt that,
If you have the power to love like that,
then God makes sure that your love finds its way
All you have to do, is just hang in there
wait for your time…
your time…to live, your time…to LOVE”
– Rupali Tyagi
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